Help! I Can't Find A Pulse!

As some of you know, I've tried this whole blog thing before.  And I've abandon it.  Left it idle somewhere in cyberspace.  Apparently there's no one who really monitors the amount of "space" that's actually available in cyberspace (like a cyber cop or something?)... because if they did?  I'd have totally violated some law by now.  I'm absolutely sure my blogger parking meter ran out a looooong time ago.  And now I'm suddenly remembering why I left this shit parked in a back alley somewhere.  And this?  Is why... 

Maintaining a blog is a bit more complicated than I thought (albeit I'm an idiot).  I have no background in technology.  Unless you consider Facebook, in which case I'm a damn genius.  I digress... 
Before deciding to stay at home with the kids, I was a nurse.  I specialized in Emergency Medicine and CardioThoracic-Vascular Surgery.  And I loved it.  I mean, I really loved it.  Ok, so I really love my kids, too.  But I really loved my job.  I'm sick like that.  Anyhoo, here are things a few things I am knowledgeable about and/or can do with ease:

• Check every orifice you have and not think twice about it- no matter what I may find.  Believe me.  I've seen it before.   
• Calculate the dosage and drip rate for drugs that have the chemical equivalent of jet fuel.  And them use them to save your life.
• Pull you apart and put you back together.
• In a pinch, I can function as your heart, lungs, kidneys, or liver... and I'm pretty good at it. 
• Save your ass.   
• Stop the doctor before he really screws up.  (See last point)

The bottom line? If it currently has or recently had a pulse?  I can manage it.  Like.  A.  Boss. 

Things I have no idea about and can't seem to figure out no matter how long I stare at the screen.  Or?  Despite having multiple college degrees...

• URL's
• HTML's
• Archives
• Widgets, gadgets, and buttons
• Links and rolls (is it wrong that this makes me only think of sausage?)
• RSS
• Subscriptions
• Feeds and follows (and now I'm thinking about toddlers.  Dammit.)
• Templates and layouts
• Google+, Twitter, Tumbler, and whatever the hell else is out there. 
• Previewing and publishing

And the list goes on...  And on...  And, well,  it's embarrassing.  Really. 

So this will be an experiment of sorts.  (That doesn't sound fun at all, does it?)  It sounds painful, actually. 
Let's look at it like a journey.  Yes, a journey!  That sounds waaaay more cool than an experiment, right?  After all, y'all aren't lab rats.  So, we'll navigate this journey... together.  In order to be successful (ok, tolerable) I'll need you to be patient with me.  I'm delicate, like a small flower.  Ok, so I'm not at all like a flower.  More like a dandelion. 
But still be patient with me.  And be kind.  And remember that my computer doesn't have a pulse.  So I can't fix this shit with an IV drip or a defibrillator.  The blogger me is a work in progress.  Just hold my hand and stroke my ego and we'll be just fine.  Tolerable.  I'll totally settle for tolerable.